It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up under a house in Key West
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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