The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You took a bar mat shot.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
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it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
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Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
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He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate