Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
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I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.