i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
