i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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