we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
