your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
