I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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