This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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