Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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