I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
