Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
