someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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