I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
