just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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