Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
