Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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