It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
