Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize