Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
