I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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