whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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