I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?