I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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