you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
