you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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