Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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