____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
