I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
