my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have already put on my inside pants.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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