I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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