You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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