I'm going to jail i love you
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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