We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
