So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
