you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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