Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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