and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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