I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it hurts more in the daytime
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
