She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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