Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My balls are so social today.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
