Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
