Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
