I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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