nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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