Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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