so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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