I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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