i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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