your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
