how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
