i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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