So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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