I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i now understand why vodka
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
